life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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