oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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