I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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