Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
The adults are the big ones right?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
