He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize