saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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