it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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