Tell her she can't have a vagina
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
