I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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