You made me cry and you don't even care
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
