I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
