I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
her facebook's as public as her vagina
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
