Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
