Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
