i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
