I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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