My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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