At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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