I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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