In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
