So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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