If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
