Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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