You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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