yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
