I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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