I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
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