I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
