plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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