Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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