so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
soo... how was my night?
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