my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
