If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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