that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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