Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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