i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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