Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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