you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize