I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
