with your own penis?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
