My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
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