I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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