Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
