I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
