If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
