A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
