i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize