LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
