Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
