I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
