u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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