I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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