i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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