Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize