You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
