Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
