Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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