careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
