Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
